Holy Pantomime Bratman

Excerpt from Holy Pantomime Bratman

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SUPER

It’s a curd…

CRAN 

It’s a grain…

BLENDER

It’s-

(Baker and Quinn enter)

BAKER

Hello everyone. Did you miss me?

BLENDER

The Baker!

QUINN

And don’t forget Dairy Quinn.

(Lights change highlighting Quinn and Reuben as cheesy love music begins to play. Everyone else freezes as they stare longingly into each other’s eyes. As music ends, all returns to normal.)

BRATMAN

What are you doing here Baker? This is a closed forum.

BAKER

Aw, what’s the matter Bratman, are you not happy to see us? We just popped by to say hello to our dear old friends.

BRATMAN

You have no friends here Baker.

BAKER

Now that’s hurtful, and after I came all this way as a courtesy.

CRAN

All what way? You’re right next door.

DAME

A courtesy for what?

BAKER

I am here to offer you an opportunity to save yourselves, and this entire city a whole lot of grief.

ONION

How kind of you. Are you moving?

BAKER

Ah Green Onion, your wit brings tears to my eyes. No, I have come to tell you to back off. Close your little operation and clear out.

MARSH

And why would we do that Baker?

BAKER

Because, if you don’t, I will unleash a terror upon the city unlike anyone has ever seen.

BRATMAN

Baker, if you harm one citizen of this city, I swear to you I’ll… I’ll— (cuts himself off in frustration)

BAKER

What’s wrong Bratman? Penne for your thoughts.

BLENDER

You are a fool, Baker. You show up here, demanding we bow down to you, yet there are eight of us and only two of you. What’s to stop us from capturing you this very moment?

BAKER

Don’t worry about me Blender Woman. (Baker whistles and 8 well-armed goons enter, surrounding the group.)  I have my security well under control.

BRATMAN

Listen Baker-

BAKER

No, you’ll listen to me, fruit cake. You want a battle, you’ve got it. But it will be a rum ball like no one has ever seen. This city is going to witness a turnover in power, and you and the rest of these crackers cannoli hope to make it out in one piece.

QUINN

Wow, Mr. B. That speech really takes the cake.

BRATMAN

Your threats don’t frighten us Baker. Mark my words; we will be poutine an end to your villainy.

BAKER

We shall see Bratman. We shall see. In the meantime, (everyone flinches as Baker pulls a fortune cookie from his apron and tosses it to Bratman) watch your back because my shenanigans will continue tomorrow night at this same bad time on the same bad channel. Come along. (Baker, Quinn and the goons exit)

REUBEN

Holy cryptic message Bratman. What do you suppose he meant by that?

BRATMAN

I don’t know Reuben. I can only assume that, whatever he has planned will happen tomorrow night at precisely this time.