Holy Pantomime Bratman
First produced December 2025 by ECHO Players
in Qualicum Beach Beach, British Columbia
Directed by Jay Newman
Bratman..........................................Ethan Liedl
Reuben ...................................Rowan Balcarras
Ms.G..............................................Jay Newman
Blender Woman...............................Barb Hicks
Super Salad.............................Anna MayHoffer
The Green Onion.............................Arthur Lee
Marshmallow Manhunter.........Thomas Trafford
The Black Cranberry...Thistle Williams-Carswel
The Baker........................................Brian Lecky
Dairy Quinn.....................................Eva Simson
Peppermint Patty.............................Juli Wilson
Charlie Brownie................................Will Heyd
Broom Challah.......................Deanna Balcarras
Beetle Bagel.................................Duane Mottle
Spongecake Squarepan....................Krystal Jean
Caramel Santiago.............................Tessa Neeb
Two-Cakes...................................Gus Burgener
Miss. Steak...................................Maeve Smith
& Nova Sun
Narrator.....................................Dave Graham
Excerpt from Holy Pantomime Bratman
​
SUPER
It’s a curd…
CRAN
It’s a grain…
BLENDER
It’s-
(Baker and Quinn enter)
BAKER
Hello everyone. Did you miss me?
BLENDER
The Baker!
QUINN
And don’t forget Dairy Quinn.
(Lights change highlighting Quinn and Reuben as cheesy love music begins to play. Everyone else freezes as they stare longingly into each other’s eyes. As music ends, all returns to normal.)
BRATMAN
What are you doing here Baker? This is a closed forum.
BAKER
Aw, what’s the matter Bratman, are you not happy to see us? We just popped by to say hello to our dear old friends.
BRATMAN
You have no friends here Baker.
BAKER
Now that’s hurtful, and after I came all this way as a courtesy.
CRAN
All what way? You’re right next door.
DAME
A courtesy for what?
BAKER
I am here to offer you an opportunity to save yourselves, and this entire city a whole lot of grief.
ONION
How kind of you. Are you moving?
BAKER
Ah Green Onion, your wit brings tears to my eyes. No, I have come to tell you to back off. Close your little operation and clear out.
MARSH
And why would we do that Baker?
BAKER
Because, if you don’t, I will unleash a terror upon the city unlike anyone has ever seen.
BRATMAN
Baker, if you harm one citizen of this city, I swear to you I’ll… I’ll— (cuts himself off in frustration)
BAKER
What’s wrong Bratman? Penne for your thoughts.
BLENDER
You are a fool, Baker. You show up here, demanding we bow down to you, yet there are eight of us and only two of you. What’s to stop us from capturing you this very moment?
BAKER
Don’t worry about me Blender Woman. (Baker whistles and 8 well-armed goons enter, surrounding the group.) I have my security well under control.
BRATMAN
Listen Baker-
BAKER
No, you’ll listen to me, fruit cake. You want a battle, you’ve got it. But it will be a rum ball like no one has ever seen. This city is going to witness a turnover in power, and you and the rest of these crackers cannoli hope to make it out in one piece.
QUINN
Wow, Mr. B. That speech really takes the cake.
BRATMAN
Your threats don’t frighten us Baker. Mark my words; we will be poutine an end to your villainy.
BAKER
We shall see Bratman. We shall see. In the meantime, (everyone flinches as Baker pulls a fortune cookie from his apron and tosses it to Bratman) watch your back because my shenanigans will continue tomorrow night at this same Brat time on the same Brat channel. Come along. (Baker, Quinn and the goons exit)
REUBEN
Holy cryptic message Bratman. What do you suppose he meant by that?
BRATMAN
I don’t know Reuben. I can only assume that, whatever he has planned will happen tomorrow night at precisely this time.