The Fellowship of the Swing
Hansel
Gretel
Red Riding Hood
Pinocchio
Rumpelstiltskin
Excerpt from The Fellowship of the Swing
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RUMPEL
So, what are you two rugraaa— fine looking children up to?
GRETEL
We were just playing with our new friends here.
HANSEL
Yeah, we were playing hide and seek.
RUMPEL
Hide and seek? That sounds like a lot of fff…ffffff….ffffunnn. (gags)
HANSEL
Are you okay?
RUMPEL
Fine. Why do you ask?
HANSEL
I don’t know. It almost looked as if you don’t like having fun.
RUMPEL
(defensive) Are you kidding me? I love having ffff— (takes a deep breath) fun. In fact, I have a great idea where we can all have the most fffun ever.
GRETEL
How exciting. (indicates audience) Them too?
RUMPEL
Of course! The more the merrier.
GRETEL
Wonderful! So what is this fun idea of yours?
RUMPEL
Far to the East, over the hill and beyond the woods, lies a single solitary cottage.
HANSEL
Yes, I know the one. It’s the witch’s place. The one made of cookies and candy.
RUMPEL
Right. Now, beyond the cottage, where the provincial borders meet, a great playground was built. It was to be—
GRETEL
Wait. When you say great, do you mean great as in fantastic or great as in large?
HANSEL
Or something you would use to shred cheese?
RUMPEL
Why would one grate cheese at a playground?
HANSEL
(very matter of fact) Tacos.
RUMPEL
There are no tacos.
HANSEL
Aw, man. I love tacos.
RUMPEL
When I say great, I mean both large and fantastic. The most wondrous playground one has ever seen. A playground where children from all around the kingdom can gather and have so much ffffunnn. (gags)
HANSEL
See? You did it again.
RUMPEL
I did no such thing. May I finish?
GRETEL
Yes, please continue. I want to hear more about this great playground. Does it have a slide? Monkey bars? One of those giant frogs on a spring that makes you go, boing, boing, boing? (mimes flopping around)
RUMPEL
Yes, it has all those things and more.
HANSEL
A zip line? A climbing wall? A taco stand?
RUMPEL
I already said there are no tacos.
HANSEL
Everyone loves tacos.
RUMPEL
Just forget the tacos, okay? I’m just getting to the good part.
HANSEL
(pouting) Fine. Go ahead.
RUMPEL
Thank you. Now, where was I? Oh yes. At the center of the playground, suspended between two climbing towers, is the largest swing you would ever see. The swing that would bring endless fffffun to the entire kingdom. The swing of the prophecy.
GRETEL
Whoa. What is the prophecy?
RUMPEL
One swing to fit them all, One swing for kind ones. One swing to bring them all and in the brightness bind them.
HANSEL & GRETEL
Oooooooo!
RUMPEL
I know. Right?
GRETEL
So, what are we waiting for? The world is our rooster. Let’s go.